By | June 14, 2022

HOW TO KILL A LION (CORPORATE STYLE)

1. PFIZER METHOD:
Hire a lion, give him full rest, pay him more than his expectations, never ask for anything in the first two months. After two months tell him that you have to achieve your yearly target in 9 months. Lion dies of fear, that if he does not achieve this he will lose the jungle.

2. AMAZON METHOD:
Hire a lion, give him a hell of a lot of work, pay him a fat salary, more than the industry. Restructure his job every six months, as per your fancies.
If he kills two goats a day, next day give him a target of killing 20 elephants a day while knowing that there are only 10 elephants available. Lion dies of exhaustion & overkill.

3. ZOMATO METHOD:
Hire a lion & give him a post of a cat, than force the lion to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs & grass to eat. Lion will eventually die of hope & starvation.

4. TCS METHOD:
Hire a lion & set a cut off time, give the lion a spoon instead of a knife & ask him to extract 60kg meat out of a 40kg goat or else the lion will be forced to become a dog. Lion dies out of frustration & strain.

5. JP MORGAN METHOD:
Hire a lion & give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular at least three times a week. Send the lion in the jungle to inspect how he can cancel the licence of fox, wolf or jackal who have violated the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of stagnation & boredom.

6. MICROSOFT METHOD:
Hire a lion & give him 60 kgs of meat to eat everyday when he can eat only 30kg. Lion dies of overeating.

7. GOOGLE METHOD:
Recruit a lion, ask him to kill an elephant without any cut or blood from the body. Lion is forced to learn from ducks, rabbits & pigeons on how to kill dinosaurs. Lion is provided with 2 wolves to help in killing but with a condition that the wolves will not move or attack. Lion dies of confusion & paradoxes.

8. FLIPCART METHOD:
Flipkart is out of the race as they are still thinking as to what is a lion?

9. JIO METHOD:
Hire a lion & show him the forest from far.
Keep moving the forest, full of opportunities so that he keeps running. He never gives up ‘coz there are many like him running. Finally he retires half way or dies in the stampede.

10. SBI METHOD :

Hire a Lion, give him lowest possible salary & allowances. Start Three -Four campaigns at a single time. Give him unachievable targets. Don’t give subordinates.
Change software suddenly. Take meetings & threaten him of transfer to a remote branch. Lion dies cursing his bad luck!

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